Shanti
For Shanti, Lessen Expectations. When I examine my mental processes I probably will find that, to my surprise, I extend Shanti more readily to an insufferable fool than to my best friend. This is because I do not expect anything wise or intelligent from a fool; whereas, I expect my friend to live up to certain standards which I consider appropriate. A hopeless fool can never disappoint me but everyone else, for one reason or another, at some time can. This should not be so. So far as my expectations are concerned I should place everyone in the same category as the hopeless fool. No one should ever be able to disappoint me but should only be able to surprise me; and, my attitude should be that all surprises I am prepared to accommodate!
Thus, I should accommodate people the same way as I accommodate inert objects, that is, I should take them as they are. I do not like to be over-baked by the summer sun but I do not ask the sun to quit shining. I appreciate the mixed blessing of a hot, shining sun and understand that, whether it is a mixed blessing or not, I cannot turn the sun off. I do not ask honey-bee to become stingless nor do I hate honey-bees if I get in the way of one and receive a sting. I still appreciate the place of the honey-bee and enjoy honey. However, the attitude I have toward insects or inert objects I find much harder to have toward people. To an inert thing or to a wild creature, I am able to relate myself properly because I do not expect any change from it. But I expect people to be able to change to become more pleasant to me. I keep my mind troubled with continuous demands for change so that others in my life will be more to my liking. Actually, the humans also may not be able to change. Often humans cannot change either from want of will or from want of willingness. When one does not change even though willing to change, one has no strength of will. There is nothing one can do but accommodate such a person. When the other person does not change because he or she is not willing to try to change, one can attempt to convince the person of the desirability of change. If one cannot so convince the person, well, then accommodate. What else one can do? Anyway the world is wide. Variety makes it more interesting. There is room enough to accommodate all.
Respond to the Person, Not to the Action.
In order to discover within myself a value for accommodation, I should look to the person behind the act. Usually it is when I am responding to the behaviour of the person, responding to his action, that I find that it is difficult to be accommodative. When I try to understand the cause behind the action, I put myself in a position to respond to the person, not to the action, and my response to the person can be an accommodative response. I try to see what is behind the fit of anger or outburst of jealousy or domineering manner and respond to the person, not to the actions. If I cannot see what is behind the actions, nonetheless I keep in mind the fact that many reasons, unknown to me, set the stage for any action on the part of another person. With this frame of mind I will find it natural to be accommodative. In a situation where my response is to the person rather than to the behaviour, I will find myself staying calm. In fact, resolution of any argument between people is nearly always the result of a mutual appreciation by the parties of each other as persons rather than any new attitude toward the precipitating behaviour.
Mechanical Reactions Block Accommodation.
To be free to respond to the person I must be free of mechanical reactions. I must choose my attitude and take my actions deliberately. A reaction is a mechanical, non-deliberate sort of behaviour on my part. It is a conditioned response borrowed from previous experiences, one not given prior sanction by my will; that is, response which I do not measure against the value structure which I am trying to assimilate but which I allow to happen. Sometimes my reaction may be an action or attitude which I would, after reflection, sanction. Other times my reaction may be completely contrary to the attitudes and actions I would choose to hold or do. Reactions can go against all my wisdom and learning and prior experiences; these factors just get relegated into the background and the reaction comes; what I have previously learnt is worthless to me. I may have read all the scriptures of the world; I may be a great student of ethical systems; I may be a professional degree-holding giver of counsel to others, but when it comes to a reaction, my reaction will be just as mechanical as that of anyone else. Wisdom, learning, experience, won’t count at all. Therefore, until my ethical values become thoroughly assimilated comprising a ground out of which right attitudes and actions spontaneously arise, I must through alertness avoid reactions and, instead, deliberately, reflectively choose my attitudes and actions. When I avoid reactions, I am free to choose my actions and attitudes – I can choose to be accommodative in my thoughts, words and deeds.