If you look at the word relationship, it is nothing but expectations. Instead of trying to understand a relationship, try to understand expectations. In any relationship, there are expectations. Relationship is not only about expectations, but a major part of it are expectations. Whenever, and wherever you relate, you don’t relate with anybody or any object. You only relate with expectations. If you look at a paper weight for example, you relate to the object, as you expect it to hold papers without flying away. In this case, you are relating to the mind which creates some expectation from the paper weight. As long as expectations are fulfilled or there is hope that expectations will be fulfilled, you will relate with the person or object till then. If not, you move one to some other person or object. The expectation is not only from you but also from other person. Relationship is the management and negotiation of multiple expectations. As long as the management and negotiations are happening, that long you relate. On a lighter note, many relationships are like a coalition government. Many parties come together due to circumstances. With or without your knowledge, negotiation and management happens in a relationship. If it happens with your knowledge, then you grow. If the negotiation happens without your knowledge, then it is a disaster as you cannot manage the relationship. Wherever you go, you have to manage your expectations. As long as this body-mind complex is alive, that long, negotiation has to happen. No one can stop that process. This is the basic principle of relationship. To manage a relationship you must learn the art of negotiation.
Driving a car means ‘learning to negotiate’ with your car. You manage your car better, if you are able to negotiate in a better way. Over time you get habituated to negotiate with your car. How do you negotiate? Let us take the example of driving again. When you start driving, you first need to know, where you want to reach and why to reach. Many people get confused with these two aspects. As a result, how to reach is also a confusion. Say a person has a heart attack. Now, it is important to reach the hospital. If you are helping the person call the ambulance, it will take longer and you cannot afford to wait. So the you need to know which hospital is the nearest and if that hospital can treat the ailment. Depending on the distance, you will decide which vehicle to go. Hence, where to go and why to go is very important. This will help you decide how to go. Once the you decides how to go, it requires detailed analysis to actionise it. The action requires an alert mind. In this case, the person, needs to be carried down till the vehicle, and seated in the vehicle. Quick decisions have to be made in this situation. Now, on the way to the hospital, say there is traffic. The driver must manouver the vehicle accordingly along the route which can help reach quickly. Despite these hurdles if the you reach the hospital on time, you will not feel bad as you have tried your best to help the person. Your motive was honest.
Whenever you have to negotiate, you negotiate from your standpoint or your insecurity. When you negotiate or manage with insecurities, you keep fighting. You have to be clear and careful that instead of negotiating, you should not end up fighting. The fighting happens from both sides. Let us take the relationship of parent and child. Say father or mother has gone through tough times in life. Out of insecurity, the parent will not allow the child to go through the same. The parent wants to bring a change in the child. However, the child is not willing to and hence becomes rebellious. The parent must be smart to tolerate the child. If the parent is also rebellious it leads to fighting with the child. Despite the parent’s intention is good most of the time, it leads to fighting. Long before you try to relate, you need to understand these steps.
Instead of managing relationships, manage your expectation and other person’s expectation. Only when you manage your expectation with yourself, you are eligible to communicate your expectation from the other person. If you observe, in a relationship, when you communicate, you either try to correct the other person or impose your thoughts. When you try to correct the other person, you try to avoid some fear or sense of insecurity in you. You are unsure how to face it and subconsciously you try to correct the other person. Eventually you are obsessed to keep correcting the world around you. As long as you have the opportunity to correct others, that long you stay in that relationship.
There goes a story of Moolah. He said, “had someone told me the problems of marriage, I would not have got married. I have made a mistake to get married and I don’t want anyone else to do that”. Another person asked “can you say the same thing in front of your wife”. Moolah said “she keeps correcting me
all the time and I don’t have the opportunity to correct her. Now, I have the opportunity to correct you people.”
You have observed that sometimes, girls in their childhood dress and behave like their mother and the boy tries to mimic the father. It is just a way to express their opportunity to correct other people. When you start correcting others, you never learn anything. Let us now talk about financial negotiation. You may have observed, small children selling flowers. They know the best negotiation techniques. On seeing a person, they can find out if he or she is a local person or an outsider. Based on that they quote the price.
As a customer you should be smart to negotiate. Negotiation pre-supposes knowledge of the person, situation and your goal. If any one of this is messed up, you cannot negotiate. You can also negotiate based on your time, situation and emotion. If are able to smile in such situations, you can start negotiating with your own self.
Instead we just think mechanically and manage the situation. In negotiation you keep your mind open and in managing a situation you keep your mind closed (i.e. you feel you are right). Infact, you are able to negotiate because you have an open mind. One person was asked “How is your love going on?”. The person answered “Love is over because we got married”. Once you get married, you start taking each other for granted. During your time of love, the mind was open. Once marriage is done, you mind becomes closed. In a relationship, you need to be alert. You cannot take anyone for granted. You take others for granted, when you are lazy (i.e. Tamas takes over you). You get into a marriage relationship
to feel secure. Unfortunately, you become more insecure after a marriage relationship. There is always something that is lacking in every relationship. In present day relationships, each one takes the other for granted without each other’s knowledge. With reference to blood relationships you are helpless as genes drive your emotions. In bodily relationships (like marriage) you have to give importance to your alertness.